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It's a few days early, but since I'll be away this weekend it's time for the 2005 Year in Review! Whooop Whoooop! (2004) (2003) To put things in perspective, let us briefly flash back to this time last year. By the end of December I was collecting unemployment after losing my job in Savannah, searching for work along the entire east coast, getting barely any interviews, preparing for a last-resort move to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, with a friend who surely would have eventually murdered me if I had gone through with it. A month later, one week before I was supposed to move, the interviews started coming in. Three job offers later and I accepted a position with the best company I have ever worked for. The key accomplishment here: changing careers from journalism to advertising. Some friends and family members still don't seem to understand why I did this (creative freedom, like-minded co-workers, better pay; the list goes on and on) but I assure you it was one of the best decisions of my life. I've been at this company for more than 10 months now, which also makes it the longest job I've held since college! And I still don't want to kill (many) people! So ... with the new job came a new apartment and the move to Amish Country, Central PA! It's not the most ideal location, but I'll tell you, it's damn comfortable. And at least no one is getting killed or raped outside my apartment. Moving on to more gossipy topics: my love life! Awwwwww shit. Two major developments here. 1) Tried online dating for the first time. ("Social Setting: Shy at first, but warm up quickly, Flirt, Better in small groups. Sense of Humor: Friendly, Goofy, Slapstick, Obscure"). Went on two dates, made a great friend out of it, and then never used the service again. 2) I'm seeing someone new for the first time in about 7 years. This is still a relatively new development, so I'm a bit hesitant to talk much about it for fear of jinxing myself or something. But some details: I started talking to Sara in late July. Soon after started the daily emails. IM conversations. Eventual phone calls. And after meeting up three times, we're now in a long-distance relationship. 4 1/2 hours away, you say? Pshh, that's nothing. She's practically my neighbor! Anyway, my instinct tells me not to explain just how excited I am about this (!!!), so I'll just stop there for now. Jeez, what the hell else happened this year? Not a whole lot! So, what's in store for 2006? Hmm, I'd like to go to the dentist for the first time in two years. I'm still determined to impress the doc by how much I've been flossing since my last visit! I could also use a physical. Need to find out if my bladder is actually shrinking as it seems to be. Let's see ... I might also start looking for a new job, since I'm money-hungry and everything. And, oh yeah, I'll pretty much take over the world when I get around to it. Looks like yet another crappy Year in Review, people. Maybe next year I'll have more to report about my SUPER EXCITING LIFE. In the meantime, Happy New Year!   Holiday Conversations with Dad by Umar Y. Qubar Me (making a song out of a movie title I notice on the TV): Chrisssssmas with the Kraaaaanks!!! Dad (to Mom, in kitchen): What the hell is he saying in there? Me: I'm singing! Dad: Well stop it! Me: Why? Dad: Because you can't sing! --- Me: She's working on her third degree right now, so she's really smart and everything... Dad: Well then why the hell does she want anything to do with you? --- Dad: I'm getting tired. Michael's going to take over the driving. Me: No, I'm not. Dad: Come on! Why not? Me: I'd rather you just crash ... so I can make fun of you for it afterwards. --- Dad (downstairs, 6 a.m. xmas morning): Miiiichael!!! Me (upstairs, sleeping): zzzzzzzzz Dad: MIIIIKE! .... MIIICHAEL! Me: WHAT!?! Dad: It's time to get up!! Me: What the fuck. Dad: MIIIIIIIKE! Me: WHAAAAT??!?!? Dad: TIME TO GET UP! Me: ALL RIGHT! JESUS CHRIST, I HEARD YOU! --------- Meet my Christmas tree. His days are numbered.  Twas the night before Christmas, eight years ago, when I left a family gathering a little early to meet up with a bandmate for an impromptu acoustic jam session. It was about two days after our band had performed in front of a live audience for the first time. When I got to Tim's house, his own family party was just coming to an end. Some friends showed up shortly after and we all went into the basement, which was our primary practice space. We talked for a few minutes before they started making requests. This was a new experience for me, people asking us to play for them. Days before, they hadn't had a choice, really. We had forced our song "The Funky Juice" onto the entire high school, as attendance was mandatory at the holiday "talent" show. But our friends asked to hear the song again that night, as well as others they just assumed we knew how to play. It was a great feeling, sitting around in our cheesy holiday sweaters on Christmas Eve, playing our own music for people who genuinely wanted to hear it. I remember going home that night, playing my dad's acoustic in my bedroom until about midnight, and then falling asleep watching Blue Lagoon. It was a pretty good night.  We spoke to only one person at the alumni party. He sat at our table unexpectedly, said, "Mind if I sit here? You guys look my age ..." and I immediately recognized him as a former roommate of some friends of mine at Bard. At the time, there had been stories -- complaints, frustrations, interventions even -- about his chronic masturbating problem in the dorm's living room, in front of the open windows. We talked with him for a few minutes, discussed jobs, made small talk. Then he said goodbye and left our table. He was a nice guy. Much later that night, semi-delirious off our wine buzz back at the hotel, we wrote him a letter ...  My Weekend: The Short Version ...             Spontaneity. There's no stopping it, really. And yet, why would you want to? It's the only disease you can look forward to catching. The only quality of a personality one step more admirable and excusable than its siblings Recklessness and Imprudence. Tomorrow I'm skipping work to go to Bard's annual holiday alumni/ae party in NYC. Missed the RSVP deadline. Used up a vacation day to go. Have barely any interest in the professors who won't remember my name. Could care less about the peers I shared classes with. Am mildly looking forward to seeing old friends, confidants, acquaintances, or enemies. But the trip there, the stay, the experience, will all be beyond worth it ... and that doesn't even make sense. Then again, spontaneity never does.  They seek him here; they seek him there ...  Post every day. Ha! Did you really think I was capable of that kind of dedication? I do apologize for the disappearance, however. Now back to our regularly scheduled blogging ... On the subject of firsts: Had quite a few this weekend. First pizza delivered to my apartment. First board game for my apartment. First Amish Experience, via "3-D sound imagery, smoke effects," and a bell on a rope! First time seeing Phantasm II. And Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead. And Phantasm (Obl)IV(ion). First time I used my Video Cassette Recorder devicemechanismmachine to watch a movie (in a lonnng time). Last night was also the first time someone told me they thought I came across as an ass on my blog. When they met me in person, they realized I wasn't quite the jerk they thought I was. This is something I've been wondering about for a while. In reading some of my archives recently, I realized I do tend to come off pretty obnoxious sometimes. But I think that's partly the joke, at least to the people who know me well enough to laugh at it. Don't think it's funny? Well then you can go fuck yourself. See? It's hilarious! Except, not really. So fuck off, all of you. Ah, firsts. Gotta love 'em. A recent shortage of sleep has forced me onto a kindergartner's schedule for the night, which means 1) it's now past my bedtime, and 2) you get a short, crappy post. Speaking of kindergarten, one of the only memories I have of that grade, and of the mean lady who was my teacher, is of the day we were all working on a some project and standing in line to wait for Mrs. Wilson to staple it together for us. I was waiting patiently, keeping to myself as I usually did, when suddenly Mrs. Wilson shouted my full name, followed by, "You better stop that or you're going to the back of the line!" As to be expected, this was a bit alarming to me since I hadn't been doing anything or talking to anyone. And when I looked at the teacher, she was still just stapling away, one project at a time. She never raised her head. A minute or so later, she repeated my name and shouted, "This is your last chance! You better knock it off!" A bit scared at this point, I decided to walk up to Mrs. Wilson and find out exactly what the problem was. Of course, being the suave kindergartner that I was, I didn't want to just barge up there and make her look foolish by saying, "That's my name, bitch! I'm didn't do anything!" So, instead, I walked up to her and played dumb. "Did you call me?" I asked. "No! What are you doing? Get back in line and wait your turn!" she shouted. And to end of the line I went, passing my classmates who all stared at me as if I was then the Bad Kid in the class. The story ends there, sort of. In college, for whatever reason, I told this same story in a class on Child Counseling/Psychology. The professor immediately looked at me, smiled, and asked, "Did you get picked on a lot as a kid?" "Hmph, no!" I scoffed. "Are you the youngest child?" I paused. "Technically." "The only male child?" "... Maybe." And she nodded her head as if she then knew my entire life story. I didn't like that teacher either. More deep discounts at deepdiscountdvd.com! Buy 1 Box Set, Get 1 Free A few months ago, I told a friend that the one simple thing she could always do to attract a guy, the one guaranteed turn-on in any situation, was to smile. A lot. But I'd also say this doesn't really work the other way around, unfortunately. A guy who smiles too much, well, is gay. Okay, that's offensive. What I mean is, it's questionable. You get looks. Looks from other guys that say, "What the hell are you smiling about?" "Wipe that stupid smirk off your face." "Hey, there's something in your teeth, pal." Now, I'm not going to launch into a "nice guy finishes last" diatribe, but I'd say it's probably the same principle. There's a certain point when a guy smiles too much to be attractive to the opposite sex, I think. His edge is lost. For women, sure, there is also a point when the constant smile becomes a bit disgusting, or brainless. But even then, it's not going to work against her with the majority of the male population. I'm talking about very base level attraction here ... two people on opposite sides of a room, for example. A smile says fun, clearly, but it also says flexibility. The staunch non-smile, while certainly intriguing, says drama. Now, take Henry over there, grinning ear-to-ear, hanging out with the guys. Sure, he's probably tons of fun. Probably has a great sense of humor. Hey, he's nice! But Sally isn't interested in Henry. She's interested in the Jack. For the record, I'm not supporting or reinforcing any stereotypes with this discussion. I'm just questioning them. The only reason this subject is on my mind is because I often find myself walking down the hallways at work, amusing myself into near hysterics. Afterwards, I realize I just walked by about 5 people with a big, goofy smile on my face and I wonder what these people are possibly thinking about that, subconsciously or not. Anyway, I could be completely wrong about all of this. Anyone have any thoughts? Well, I might as well keep going with this Post-Every-Day-in-December thing. Let's see how crappy we can make this site by the end of the month. --- Today is one of those days. Inch of snow outside. Small draft coming in through window above my bed. Major struggle to get out from underneath the covers and actually do something productive with my life. Huge, exaggerated sigh. Yesterday I spent nearly an hour trying to pick out a new shirt and tie. It's times like these that I am really ashamed of my indecisiveness. And it was compounded by a random woman's comment behind me as I was testing a particular color combination. "Oh, that's sharp," she said. But I have no idea if she was even talking to me. When I turned around, she was already walking out the doors. Sadly, though, it was enough to plant the seed in my head. It is sharp, isn't it. So, I bought that shirt and tie, as well as 3 others, figuring that I'll be able to make up my mind later on when the time comes that I actually need to wear them. Cue loud obnoxious sigh #2. One of the stranger calls I received on the night of my birthday was from my boss's wife, around 1 a.m. She was looking for her husband who was at the other end of the bar, wasted beyond recognition. She told me her 3-year-old son was "projectile puking onto the couch" and she needed to talk to him right away. But first, "Oh, Happy Birthday, by the way. Are you having a good time?" This isn't entirely strange except when you consider that it's the third time she's called my phone in the past two weeks, and I never gave her my number. Also, don't forget to factor in this key information: My boss has been telling me for about two months now that his wife thinks I'm "hot." In fact, he says it so often, I've come to believe he actually wants me to do something about it. In one of his drunker moments, he even said to me, "Hey, I don't care. I just don't want to know about it." There are a few problems with this, the fact that I am not the slightest bit attracted to the woman being at the very bottom of that list. For one, it's my boss's wife! Even if the two of them are having some marriage issues, which they clearly are, I'm really not interested in getting involved. As much as I love a good scandal here and there, especially since the only other excitement I have going on in my life is my neighbor yelling at me for moving her clothes out of the dryer, I'm not really intrigued by the idea of losing my job once my boss changes his mind about the whole thing. I ran into his wife at Kmart on the day after my birthday. We talked briefly. Her son, sitting in the cart, showed me his new Spiderman toy. At work the next day, my boss, having already heard from his wife about the chance meeting, playfully accused me of trying avoid her at the Kmart. Now, I'm not sure whether that was more disappointing to him or his wife, but the accusation wasn't true at all. Still, if they both want to believe I was avoiding her, well, that's just fine with me. Just so you know, I had plans to post every day of December, but since I apparently couldn't even do it on the first of the month, I'm clearly unsuited for the entire challenge. I've noticed my blogging motivation is fairly parallel with my dedication to go to the gym. When the winter comes along, I just get all lazy and apathetic. Come springtime, I'll be pumping out posts like a machine, but by then none of you will care because I'll have written several months worth of complete garbage. Some things going on right now: -Decorated my Christmas tree, finally. You should come say hello to him. His name is Clarence, and he's my new friend. After Christmas, I'll slaughter him with an axe for firewood, and that is what makes him cooler than any of those boring human companions--at least the ones that are living. -I "graduated" from my public speaking class on Wednesday. Later that day, the CEO of the company stopped me in the hallway to talk about my speech and I pretended to punch him a few times in the stomach and kept walking. This is even funnier considering his one arm is completely paralyzed. See? Thanks Dale Carnegie! I have more confidence in beating up handicapped people than ever before! -The work Christmas party is next weekend, and I've somehow convinced a girl I barely knew in college to make a 5-hour drive down here to accompany me. Sucker! (Just kidding. I'm really excited about this actually. Ah crap, too late, now she's going to lynch me. Again.) -The weather has been a bit freakish around here lately. It's flurrying outside right now. And thundering. Is that normal? -I'm at home on my lunch break at the moment, and I have about 7 minutes to get back. Considering it will take me about 8 to get there, I should probably end this post now. Plus, we have a little competition going on at the office today. First one to steal the plastic fish ("Lenny") from the boss wins cash! I'm not kidding. I need some money for the holidays, so I'm going to go get that fish. |
Late night snacks. Bite-sized ramblings. Old-fashioned eats, served fresh daily. Open 24-7.  Other blogs Fireballs and Tsunami JeffreyDavis.net Mismatched Parentheses NimbleSixpence One Tortured Soul Palpably Inadequate Picnic, Lightning Pony Legs, Temporarily Supernouveau Wander Lust In my DVD player Archives June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 Other stuff Homestarrunner One Slime DeepDiscountDVD Olde English Sketch Comedy Live Music Archive Copy Army Copywriting Service Love & Radio This One Time Email me mmjunior / at / hotmail   
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